After the excitement

"I'm sorry..."



Oh I wish I didn't have to hear those words, but alas I cannot change what God has planned for me.


I am recovering from the excitement that surrounded yesterday... Flurry of activity, people talking to me, at me and about me ... locations changing , and feelings reeling up then down.

The 20th day of April 2009 went like this...

After some early morning phone calls to loving friends, whom I can count on to help in times of need, We dropped Andrew off at Kate's house and Lily went to play at Emily's house.

What a relief not to worry about my children unhappy situation. Thank you Lord for my friends.

Mike and I were off to the doctors office for an ultrasound. After a few hours of horrible cramps the previous night I knew the news wouldn't be ...

" You're fine, Your baby is fine ,You're worrying for nothing"

The technician was very gentle, calm and sympathetic, when she ran the wand over my empty belly and said "I'm sorry for your loss" and sent us off to see the doctor.


The doctor, whom I had never met, was also sympathetic, calming and extremely helpful in helping us make the decision to go ahead and have a D&C at the hospital, instead of trying to pass everything on my own. I asked if we could do it today, because I knew that if I had to wait I wouldnt want to deal with it. At that moment I was feeling strong enough to go deal with it.


When we pulled into the hospital parking lot, I was immediately brought back to the two previous times when I had gone to the same hospital with a large belly, full of life and left with 2 healthy, crying babies.


It was sad to know that I would be leaving the hospital today in silence, with my arms and heart empty.

The entire process from check -in to check -out was fabulous. I couldn't have been treated better. They really rolled out the red carpet for me.


What a suprise that my good friend and mentor Debbie came to hospital to support Mike and I through this. They thought she was my mom and we didnt correct them. She was there too give us courage,support, and laughter.

What a huge blessing... I've learned that God puts special people in your life to support you specifically when you need tangible evidence of his love!


Since I was the only patient in the one -day surgery center, all attention was on me. I was given great medications and was feeling great. That was my reward for having to go through this horrible process. The doctors were very understanding, and very generous with the good meds that put me out of my misery for a few blessed moments.


When being wheeled into the operating room, my mind was fuzzy and disoriennted, but I couldn't help wondering if this was the room I had given birth in? I was trying to soak in all the details but I couldnt.


The only thing I really remember were these 2 rope-like stirrups up by my ears.... I was thinking how are they going to get my legs to bend that way?

Oh well, not my problem... I was given more meds and went off to sleep.


When waking up in the recovery room I was in pain, but the pain was in my bladder, that they had to drain during the procedure. After some more medication I was feeling great, and actually not in anymore pain. It was great.


When we left the hospital we went to eat Greek food at Pappas. What a treat. I felt good enough to enjoy the excellent food. It had to be the medicine...


On the way home it felt like Mike and I were coming home from a really great date not a life changing day. What a relationship-builder a hard situation is...


The rest of the night was spent pain free and in good-spirits although t he details were fuzzy. were brought a yummy dinner and both of my babies were returned from the loving and capable hands of my 2 great friends Kate and Emily. Everything was right in my world once again.


Lily asked me about the why I had a hospital bracelet on my arm. I told her I went to the hospital, she said "Mommy, I thought you were just going to the baby doctor?" She doesnt miss a detail....

I had to tell her that our new baby was sick ,and God took it out of my belly and up to heaven with him.

She said " That's Okay Mommy we'll just pray for another one....A girl baby please"

We proceeded to pray for another baby and then she was off on her way to play.
No Sadness, no tears, just faith that we'll have another baby.

The doctor said that after a D&C you are more fertile and that we can try again in about a month. Mike and I were in agreement that we would try again soon.


Today I am sad... Waking up and still feeling nauseous, and still feeling pregnant was tough. Seeing the Prenatal Vitamins also put me over the edge. I am not sad about losing a baby, I am sad about losing a pregnancy and the journey that leads up to a baby.

Apparently the hormones are going crazy, just like if I had just given birth.... only I don't have a baby in my arms make me to feel better.

The only positive is that I am sure that "this too shall pass" and time really DOES heals all hurts.

Psalm 42:11 (New Living Translation)
11 Why am I discouraged?

Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God!

I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!



I thank God for all of my friends and family who support me and love me through all things.

I thank God for remaining unchanged in all situations and that he is still the God of healing and hope.