Healing,Remembering, Moving Forward

The past week has been incedidibly challenging 3 ways: physically, emotionally and faithfully.

The physical healing following a miscarriage is like childrbirth without the reward of a sqealing baby in you arms. The hormones still have to leave your body for you not to "feel pregnant"any longer. That I didnt expect...

All to be back to normal would take the same span of time that I was pregnant. Ugh! that meant 7 weeks..... I am so impatient that I expected to be back to normal immediatly after the procedure not almost a month later.....

The first few days were spent well-medicated against pain, and most of all anxiety and emotional instability.

I just wanted to wallow and heal. I couldnt do that at my house.

My two kiddos did not make this situation better. People have told in good sense"at least you have children" yes, I did have 2 great children, but it didnt make losing a child any easier

Unfortunately they were more pestering and needy than the tangible picture I needed that life really does go on.

I just wanted to be alone and in dreamland and take care of myself not anyone else.

Luckily, I did have have alot of help with the kids, with Dinners and with cleaning.

But by day 3 the kids were tired of being shuffled off to the capable hands of others; they just wanted their mommy.

Although mommy was not ready.

Enough was enough. Although I wasnt anywhere near ready to be back to normal; for my family I needed to starting putting forth the effort. This was hard, I didnt want to back to the land of he living.

My prayer then changed from "God get me through this" to "God take this depression, emotional instability and sadness away from me. I need to be faithful and functional for my family."

In all my research on mourning, grief and healing; I found 3 sure-fire ways to begin the healing and end the grieving.

First was Name Your Baby: Ok so I didn't know the gender of my baby, but in my mind, from the beginning I knew she was a girl. I also knew that my next baby girl would be named Sylvie. My mom is named Silvia, so in some honor to her, I chose Sylvie for my next girl.

All of our children have 3 names(Lily Katherine Anne & Andrew Michael Walker); this baby would be no different. I just didn't have 2 other names, so I asked God to give me two more names.....

The second step was to have a tangible item to look at & remember your baby, and God's faithfullness during your recovery journey.

Some recommended things included planting a tree, buying a special item or writing a card/poem for your unborn baby.

I loved the idea of planting a big, bloom filled tree, a tree to look at and remember, but what if it didn't thrive or even die??? I count handle that.

I knew that for Mike, I wanted a ring for his right hand, and what's good for him is good for me also.

I also knew that I wanted a Willow tree collectible to add to my collection.

My dear friend Dawn Baker started my Willow tree collection on the day of Andrew's birth, she brought me a carving of a mommy holding a baby. Oh how I love looking at it!!

So I left the kids for a fun-filled day with my dear friend Paige and went shopping.

AHH how great retail turned out to be for me....

I went to Victorian Village; a store in Tampa that has many beautiful, creative things and is a total sensory experience... I found the exact Willow tree I was looking for.... the picture is at the top of the page.

I also found an amazing ring that is unique and beautiful and covered in shiny crystals that reminds me of God winking at me; whenever I look at it.

The best part is its interchangeable and you can add or change the center at any time. A great collection starter. Here is the link for Kamelon jewelry http://www.kameleonjewelry.com/shopping_cart.php

I was off to the Lifeway Christian Stores to find the perfect ring for Mike.

I knew it was the one as soon I saw it.It was a sterling silver band that has the inscription if

1 john 4:4

He Who lives in you is greater than he who is in the world.

The third and final step is to have a memorial or remembrance ceremony. I am not a funeral person. I don't like the significance of public mourning sadness and grief.

I am private in my emotions and my grief. I didn't think this last step would be right for me...

As I was driving home, I remembered my friend Deana Smith telling me that she had picked a life verse from the bible for each of her children and had it painted in their rooms.

I thought this was perfect for my unborn Sylvie, but she would never have a room of her own so how would I give her the life verse I had picked out?

My kids love balloons of all kinds but they especially love the helium-filled kind. The problem is that they almost never last with us ,because their tiny hands don't clench hard enough to keep them from flying away. They are so sad when their beloved balloons have flown off to heaven to be with Jesus.

The plan was formed ! We would let our balloons fly off to heaven to our little baby Sylvie.

This was the perfect memorial service, to heal our little family.

We would write the verses we picked out for her on the balloons and send them too her.

Our backyard didn't seem right, God immediately told me the beach. We love the beach, the sand & water and waves are very peaceful, calming,and special to us as a family.\

I thanked God for giving me such specific directions in which to grieve and mourn for our baby.

Proverbs 16:3 Commit your actions to the Lord,and your plans will succeed.

We went to that beach that evening and had a picnic with pizza and balloons. It was almost sunset. It couldn't have been more perfect.

We each had balloons to let go. Mike and I each wrote the verse we picked out for our little girl, on each side of a perfect, silver, circle balloon.

It was then that God gave me the other 2 names for our little girl.

Her name would forever be: Sylvie Madeline Grace DeLorenzo

Each of the kids also pick out a balloon to send off.

Lily and Andrew each had a round yellow circle with a black happy face on it. Of course Lily's flew off before we were actually to let it go, Luckily she had a spare; pink heart balloon. She didn't want to let it go, she knew it would be gone forever.

I didnt want to let go of my balloon either, my sweet girl....

I took many pictures to remind myself of this experience. It was so special and peaceful and fun. I am so glad to have tangible evidence that this happened to us and that we survived.

When it was time for Mike and I to let our balloon go, of course we cried and it was hard, but in the same aspect its was healing.

Our whole family held on to that balloon string tightly at first ;then we all let it go and watch it fly peacefully away to where it was meant to go.

Afterwards the kids played in all the puddles low tide left on the shore and we watched the sunset. They loved seeing the sun melt into the water.

So did I. It melted my wounded heart.

The following days have been much easier and slowly getting back to normal. The tears have even dried up, until today that is... today marks 1 week since our loss.

I cried and then moved on. God reminded me that he gave me enough grace to get through today. He has promised me strength in my weakness and that the power of Jesus the Messiah rest upon me.

When I wanted to write this verse I found a great Greek translation below.

Jesus wants to pitch a tent over me for me to rest under.

Isn't that amazing, I wanted to hide under the covers but now I don't need too. I can hide under the tent the God has already pitched over me!!

2 Corinthians 12:9 (Amplified Bible)
9But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and [a]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may [b]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!

My grace is sufficient

2 Corinthians 12:9 (New International Version)
9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (The Message)
7-10Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (Amplified Bible)
9But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and [a]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may [b]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!

After the excitement

"I'm sorry..."



Oh I wish I didn't have to hear those words, but alas I cannot change what God has planned for me.


I am recovering from the excitement that surrounded yesterday... Flurry of activity, people talking to me, at me and about me ... locations changing , and feelings reeling up then down.

The 20th day of April 2009 went like this...

After some early morning phone calls to loving friends, whom I can count on to help in times of need, We dropped Andrew off at Kate's house and Lily went to play at Emily's house.

What a relief not to worry about my children unhappy situation. Thank you Lord for my friends.

Mike and I were off to the doctors office for an ultrasound. After a few hours of horrible cramps the previous night I knew the news wouldn't be ...

" You're fine, Your baby is fine ,You're worrying for nothing"

The technician was very gentle, calm and sympathetic, when she ran the wand over my empty belly and said "I'm sorry for your loss" and sent us off to see the doctor.


The doctor, whom I had never met, was also sympathetic, calming and extremely helpful in helping us make the decision to go ahead and have a D&C at the hospital, instead of trying to pass everything on my own. I asked if we could do it today, because I knew that if I had to wait I wouldnt want to deal with it. At that moment I was feeling strong enough to go deal with it.


When we pulled into the hospital parking lot, I was immediately brought back to the two previous times when I had gone to the same hospital with a large belly, full of life and left with 2 healthy, crying babies.


It was sad to know that I would be leaving the hospital today in silence, with my arms and heart empty.

The entire process from check -in to check -out was fabulous. I couldn't have been treated better. They really rolled out the red carpet for me.


What a suprise that my good friend and mentor Debbie came to hospital to support Mike and I through this. They thought she was my mom and we didnt correct them. She was there too give us courage,support, and laughter.

What a huge blessing... I've learned that God puts special people in your life to support you specifically when you need tangible evidence of his love!


Since I was the only patient in the one -day surgery center, all attention was on me. I was given great medications and was feeling great. That was my reward for having to go through this horrible process. The doctors were very understanding, and very generous with the good meds that put me out of my misery for a few blessed moments.


When being wheeled into the operating room, my mind was fuzzy and disoriennted, but I couldn't help wondering if this was the room I had given birth in? I was trying to soak in all the details but I couldnt.


The only thing I really remember were these 2 rope-like stirrups up by my ears.... I was thinking how are they going to get my legs to bend that way?

Oh well, not my problem... I was given more meds and went off to sleep.


When waking up in the recovery room I was in pain, but the pain was in my bladder, that they had to drain during the procedure. After some more medication I was feeling great, and actually not in anymore pain. It was great.


When we left the hospital we went to eat Greek food at Pappas. What a treat. I felt good enough to enjoy the excellent food. It had to be the medicine...


On the way home it felt like Mike and I were coming home from a really great date not a life changing day. What a relationship-builder a hard situation is...


The rest of the night was spent pain free and in good-spirits although t he details were fuzzy. were brought a yummy dinner and both of my babies were returned from the loving and capable hands of my 2 great friends Kate and Emily. Everything was right in my world once again.


Lily asked me about the why I had a hospital bracelet on my arm. I told her I went to the hospital, she said "Mommy, I thought you were just going to the baby doctor?" She doesnt miss a detail....

I had to tell her that our new baby was sick ,and God took it out of my belly and up to heaven with him.

She said " That's Okay Mommy we'll just pray for another one....A girl baby please"

We proceeded to pray for another baby and then she was off on her way to play.
No Sadness, no tears, just faith that we'll have another baby.

The doctor said that after a D&C you are more fertile and that we can try again in about a month. Mike and I were in agreement that we would try again soon.


Today I am sad... Waking up and still feeling nauseous, and still feeling pregnant was tough. Seeing the Prenatal Vitamins also put me over the edge. I am not sad about losing a baby, I am sad about losing a pregnancy and the journey that leads up to a baby.

Apparently the hormones are going crazy, just like if I had just given birth.... only I don't have a baby in my arms make me to feel better.

The only positive is that I am sure that "this too shall pass" and time really DOES heals all hurts.

Psalm 42:11 (New Living Translation)
11 Why am I discouraged?

Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God!

I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!



I thank God for all of my friends and family who support me and love me through all things.

I thank God for remaining unchanged in all situations and that he is still the God of healing and hope.

The Beginning of the End

Well I started bleeding this morning after rushing around and going crazy trying to clean the house and get ready for my trip to Orlando. I was horrified, surprised and then cried. I wiped and then there was blood. No pain just blood. I layed down to wait for Mike to get home from church. When he got home I told him what happened and he called the doctor.The nurse told him it was normal sounding situation and to come in tomorrow for an ultrasound. I layed down for the rest of day and rested but I still bled everytime I went to the bathroom and wiped. I finally got concerned enough to call the nurse back.It had been 6 hours and still no change, I was also very constipated and had terrible gas pains and my belly was very distended. She was again unconcerned and told me that the bleeding was from straining with the constipation. She then told me to go and buy some suppositories but beware the pains and cramps that they would bring on would be bad. The pains were so horrid I had to pray out loud for God to take the pain away. After pooping I felt a little better but still bleeding when I walked around. Its now almost 9pm and nothing has changed since this morning. I am preparing for loss at this point, this much blood cant be normal. I am trusting in God and still feel in the end this will be the what he planned or me. I am just anxious to find out the good or bad . Only God know what tomorrow will bring... I am learning that if your fear is unfolding before your eyes, Closing your eyes and hiding wont keep it from coming true. My prayer is that God can help to see his hand as he carries me and not to doubt his faithfulness in all situations even those which don't go the way I had planned, and for the grace to trust that he knew my life beginning to end before I was created.This too shall pass... I just want it to hurry up and be gone... and that I will be stronger and more faithful when its done

Laying in Bed

8:09 PM 4/13/2009 51/2 weeks





well its been 1 week since the ulrasound that found the little sac in my utreous. I was so happy to see that little blob on the screen. Without an aaccurate due date and unclear duration of pregnancy I cannot worry about what I am feeling and if I am ok.
The past week has brought some ususal symptoms that I seemed to have forgotten, terrible bloating and gas. Constipation, Sore boobs, cramping and stretching of uterous, shortness of breath Extreme tiredness, and mental exhaustion.

I JUST WANT TO LAY IN THE BED AND WATCH TV! I am so tired and not motivated. I just want to be left alone.
This isn't possible if I want to be a good mother to the 2 children that i am responsible for.This is the ultimate sacrifice. I don't know what I was expecting to be pregnant. Rosy cheeks a cute little belly and glowing smiling face! its like I haven't pregnant before?? The only difference is that I have never been pregnant with a 3 year old, a 4 1/2 year old who depend on me to not allow this pregnancy to negatively change their lives.

Am I selfish in wanting another baby to change our lives? Should I not tempt fate and stick to the already great life that God has given me? I think that God has given me the longing for another baby and if he didn't want me to have one. He wouldn't have given me one. That's that. enough worrying.


My next appt is 18 days away which by my calculations will be 8 weeks exactly. I will be going to see Dr Roushe in the South Tampa office who is experienced and I remember liking her when she did rounds in the hospital. What a relief it will be to see a healthy developing baby with a strong heartbeat and accurate due date. No more guessing and worrying. There has been so much fear in this pregnancy Satan is trying to steal my joy in this pregnancy. I am learning so many lessons in faith, praying, seeking God's will and providence. Experience is really bringing clarity. I am happy to be learning so many lessons about the faithfulness of God.
I found out I was pregnant March 23 which is exactly 3 weeks today. It seems like 3 years since the positive test. Most people wouldn't even know they were pregnant at this time. Early detection equals more worry. I feel like I should be ending this pregnancy not in the beginning with 33 weeks to go. WOW shock that its so far away and impatient at all the changes still yet to come.

Would it be the same if it was bad news???

After another round of bloodwork in search of doubling hormones, I recieved a call from the nurse at the doctors office. She went into detail about how she was concerned about my hormones rising but not doubling like they are supposed to in early pregnancy. She wanted me to come back in Monday morning for another blood test and if those levels rose, Wednsday for another ultrasound.

I told her that this was too much for me to handle and if I was in no danger, I would rather just do nothing more but wait and trust God that all would be fine.

She was speechless and told me that there was a chance of a ectopic(tubal pregnancy) and possible emergency if it ruptured, and said it was against medical advice not to continue care.

She told me to take the weekend to process and call her back on Monday morning with what I wanted to do. All weekend heard God telling me over and over.... "Trust Me, Trust Me", through people and his word. When Monday morning rolled around I called the nurse and told her I didn't want any more test or procedures, I would just wait 4 weeks and then schedule a doctors appointment . I was relieved, peaceful, and calm.

Fast forward 3 calm hours. She calls and almost begs for me to re-consider coming in for a ultrasound. At that point I was not anxious, but wanted to ease her anxiety so I packed up the kids and took the 5th trip in a week to the OB's office.



I had another ultrasound with a different technician, and like I thought she found a sac in the uterus(just like they wanted) she also found that I had a tilted uterus that doesn't allow for good images in a internal u/s. That's why they couldn't see anything last week.She told me that my cycle dates were off and that I was 4 1/2 weeks instead of the 6 weeks they originally thought. That means that I found out 2 weeks BEFORE my expected period that I was pregnant.WOW!! She then went to to confer with the doctor.When she came back she brought the doctor and the nurse to congratulate me. The doctor said that she that this was great news and that they WERE concerned but not anymore...

WOW what a relief not to have a MEDICAL DOCTOR'S concern.
She said that it was fine to come back in 4 weeks for a regular OB visit.
( I would be 8 1/2 weeks then) I thought how great it was to be regular instead of concerned in her eyes.



Only when I took my hands, fear and worry off this situation, and trusted God did he make me see that no matter what the outcome I could trust and rely on him. He wouldn't give me the grace to handle something like this until it actually came up.
Which means the only way that I could learn this lesson is to actually go through it.UGH!!
Only experience brings clarity. I am happy and relieved at this moment, but would it be the same if it was bad news???

The past 2 weeks have been such a roller coaster of emotions! In the middle of the downward spiral of emotions God has sent me little obvious glimpses of him; but only if I care to take the focus off of myself and my situation to seek him. This was s little bit of a reassurance that God sent to me in the form of an email from http://www.proverbs31ministries.com/


I Know How I Designed you
I think about the times we don't believe we can handle any more stress. The pressure seems overwhelming and we cry, "Time out! I can't take any more!"
God responds, "Trust me. You will not be destroyed. I know your pressure points. I know how much stress you can take. I know how I designed you."
I cannot describe the peace I felt when I related the work of my husband's hands to the work of God's hand.Of course He knows how much I can take. After all He is my Creator, the one who bent down by the river and fashioned me with His hands. He's the one who knit me together in the depths of my mother's womb, the one who is called the Potter.
He knows the exact temperature needed in the kiln to create the perfect clay vessel. He knows how hot the fire must be to separate the dross from the silver and gold. He knows how much pressure a diamond or emerald must withstand in order for it to come forth solid and brilliant. He knows how long the irritant must sit in an oyster before it becomes a pearl.
My Father knows exactly how much I can take. He knows because He designed me. With that realization I am able to trust Him and smile at the future, no matter how hard life is today.

Lord Jesus, You are the Carpenter. You know exactly how to build a piece that will withstand pressure and stress, a work of art that will not easily crumble. You created me the same way. Rather than tremble in the face of despair, help me trust in Your design. In Jesus' Name, Amen.


When I am trying to seek God and not lean on my own understanding he is faithful to send me constant messages in the form of emails, phone calls and even texts. He is always willing to reassure but only if I am willing to follow his word and listen...

Proverbs 3:5 (New International Version)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;